A missionary went into darkest Africa. As he and the guide were travelling along, the drums started pounding.
The missionary asked, "What does that mean? Are we in trouble?"
The guide said, "No. We will be all right as long as the drums are
playing but when they stop, then something terrible will happen."
The drums continued to beat.
Again the missionary voiced his concern about the drums. Again the guide said,
"We will be all right as long as the drums are playing but when they stop, then something terrible will happen."
Finally the drums stopped and the trembling missionary asked, "What is going to happen now?"
The guide said, "Banjo solo."

What are those banjo players doing on the roof ?
I don't know, someone said the drinks are on the house.

How did the banjo player kill his toy poodle?
Trying to change it's batteries.

What's worse than a blind truck driver?
A deaf banjo player.

How can you tell the difference between the thousands of banjo tunes?
By their titles!

What's the difference between a long-neck and standard banjo?
The long-neck one takes more time to burn.

Did you hear about the banjo player who couldn't tell the difference between moth balls and horse manure? 
His closet smelled funny and his tomatoes died.

Why did the banjo player move his house two feet? 
To take the slack out of his clothes line.

Did you hear about the banjo player who died drinking milk? 
The cow fell on him.

What do you get when you cross a banjo player and a groundhog?
Six more weeks of Foggy Mountain Breakdown.

I hear there's a new parachute made especially for banjo players. 
It opens on impact.

How do you sink a banjo players submarine? 
You knock on the hatch.

The banjo player's water polo team had some bad luck their first game. 
All the horses drowned.

Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players? 
It saves them time in the long run.

What is the definition of perfect pitch? 
Throwing a banjo into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What should you do if you run over a banjo? 
Back up, pull forward, back up...

How many banjo players does it take to eat a opossum? 
Two, one to eat it & one to watch for cars.

What's the difference between a run over skunk on the road and a run over banjo player? 
The skunk was on it's way to a gig.

What do you call a good musician at a banjo contest? 
A visitor.

What is the best & fastest way to tune a banjo? 
With wire cutters!

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve banjo players here?" 
"sure do ," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. 
"Give me a beer, and I'll have a banjo picker for my 'gator."

You're lost in the desert and you see Bugs Bunny, a cactus, and a good banjo player. Who do you ask for directions? 
You might as well try the cactus, the other two are figments of your imagination.

What can you never say about a banjo player? 
There's the banjo player's Porsche.

What do you say to a banjo player in a three piece suit? 
"Will the defendant please rise."

How do you get two banjo players to play in unison? 
Shoot one.

When do banjo songs sound the best? 
When they're over.

A few years ago a lost group of banjo players were discovered on a remote island in the Pacific. 
When asked how they survived for so long, they answered, 
"from the supplies dropped by the helicopters..."

Two banjo players walked into a bar. The mandolin player ducked. Hee hee get it... Walked into a bar... they hit their heads... on a bar. Ohh, forget it!

A cannibal went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of the brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher, "How much for fiddle player brain?" "2 dollars an ounce." "How much for mandolin player brain?" "3 dollars an ounce." "How much for guitar player brain?" "4 dollars an ounce." "How much for banjo player brain?" "100 dollars an ounce." "Why does it cost so much more for the banjo player brain?" 
"Do you know how many banjo player it takes to get one ounce of brain?"

Why do banjo player prefer picking instead of strumming their banjos? 
It's easier to transfer a skill than to learn a new one.

There's nothing better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner..."

What's the difference between a banjo player and a savings bond? 
A savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

How many banjo jokes are there in existence? 
Only three, the rest are true stories.

Why was the banjo player staring intently at the orange juice? 
Because it said, "Concentrate."

How is a banjo player like a courtroom trial? 
Everyone is relieved when the case is finally closed!

A Russian, a Cuban, and two Americans (a banjo player and a guitar player) were sharing a compartment on a train. The Russian in an attempt to impress the other passengers says, "In Russia we have so much vodka that we can afford to throw it away." He then throws a bottle of vodka out the window. In the spirit of one-upmanship, the Cuban replies, "In Cuba, we have so many fine cigars that we can simply throw them away." And he throws a box of the finest Cuban cigars out the window. Not to be out done, the guitar player says nothing, he just stand up and throws the banjo player out of the window...

How do you get a banjo player out of a tree? 
You cut the rope.

Why don't banjo players play hide-and-go-seek? 
Cause nobody goes to find them. 

What do you call a skeleton of a banjo player found in a closet? 
Last years hide-and-go-seek champion.

A bluegrass band is on their way back home from a gig south of the border, when they get arrested for playing banjo after dark. The judge quickly sentences them to death. At dawn the next morning the band is lined up in front of a firing squad. "Ready....," "Aim....," "Earthquake!" yells the guitar player, which distracts the guards long enough that he can jump over the wall to freedom. "Ready....," "Aim....," "Flood!" yells the mandolin player who jumps the wall to freedom. Now the banjo player is starting to catch on. "Ready....," "Aim....," "Fire!" yells the banjo player as loud as he can...

What does a banjo player say when he gets to his gig? 
"Would you like fries with that?"

What has 16 legs & 3 teeth. 
The front row of a banjo workshop.

Three high rise construction workers are eating lunch, one of course being a banjo player. "If I get a bologna sandwich in my lunch again tomorrow, I'm gonna jump!" they each exclaim one after the other as they open their lunch pails sitting on a steel girder high atop a half finished building. The next day, one by one they each open their lunch. Sure enough the banjo player has another bologna sandwich & jumps off. "Wow! I really feel sorry for that poor guy..." 
"Ahh, don't feel sorry for him, he makes his own lunch!"

"There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner. "
For sale: Banjo, Early 1930's. Excellent condition. Recently tuned. 

Another definition of Perfect Pitch
The ability to toss a banjo into a dumpster without hitting the sides.

What is the difference between a Macaw and a banjo?
One makes a loud obnoxious noise and the other is a bird.

What is the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
You don't have to take your shoes off to jump up and down on a banjo.

Why do Dobro players keep their fingerpicks hid in the glove compartment?
In case of an accident, they don't want to be mistaken for a banjo player.

What do you call a banjo player with a pager?
An Optimist.

Guy walks into a bar leading a 15 foot gator! 
Asks the barkeep "DO you serve banjo players here?" 
Barkeep says, "Yep, sure do". 
The guy says, "Good! I'll have a beer and give the gator a banjo player".

What is the difference between a banjo and a '57 Chevy? 
You can tune a 57 Chevy.

What's the range of a Banjo? 
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm! 

What does it mean when a banjo player is drooling out both sides of his mouth? 
The stage is level. 

What's the best thing to play on a banjo? 
Solitaire.

What do you call a banjo player without a significant other?
Homeless.

Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the banjo?
It saves time. 

If you drop a banjo and an accordian off a 10 story building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?

Why don't banjo players have cats?
Now you know where strings come from.

How can you tell there is a banjo player knocking on your front door?
His rhythm is way off, he can't find his key, and he always comes in at the wrong time.

Why do banjo players walk when they play?
They are trying to get away from that awful noise!

What is the difference in a dead possum and a dead banjo player in the middle of the road?
There are usually skid marks in front of the possum.

what's the difference between a banjo & an onion?
nobody cries when you chop up a banjo

what do you say about a banjo player up to his neck in sand?
not enough sand

why do banjo players keep their picks on the dashboard of their car?
so they can park in handicapped spaces

What is the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who owns a banjo but doesn't play it.

This guy walks into a music store....looks around for a little while, then shouts "I wanna buy some condoms"... 
Everyone stops and turns and looks at the guy like he's crazy....
The store owner runs up, concerned, and says to man almost in a whipser "sir, this is a music store, we don't sell condoms here".....
The man replies "I know, I need some banjo strings but was too embarassed"

A banjo player, tired of being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play 
some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, 
approaches the store clerk, and says, "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion." 
The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies, "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher 
... but the radiator's got to stay".

What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"

2003-05-12